You’ve probably heard the expression “In order to transform the world you must transform yourself.” And you are also likely aware that one of the most stressful elements of self-transformation is changing your relationship with the deepest fears you’ve been trying to avoid your entire life.
I experienced a particularly painful breakup back in the 80s because the woman my boyfriend chose over me was a spiritual teacher with a following. The breakup reinforced feelings of unworthiness and escalated my biggest fear at the time, which was that I would never evolve fast enough to keep what mattered most to me.
As I gave myself the quiet time I needed to recover, a long-hidden desire arose within me to leave the software field and become a Certified Rolfer. (For those unfamiliar with this type of bodywork, it’s a form of structural integration developed by biochemist Dr. Ida Rolf to realign human bodies for ease and flow while operating in gravity. Rolfing is famous for transforming the psyche along with the physical body.)
This was the first glimmer of my calling to help others unravel the layers binding their psyche or organization, and align all their components so that their core life force or mission could flow through and be expressed in the world. And I learned the hard lesson that I had been expecting personal relationships to deliver something that only could be met by fulfilling my calling.
That breakthrough to finding my own life direction would not have been possible had I continued in that relationship with an authority figure boyfriend who I had let dominate my life choices through his values. So having my worst fear come true led me to fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams.
Here’s another example of how having a worst fear come true led to a profound breakthrough.
A client of mine was fired by the board of the company he had founded. As you can imagine, it was devastating in many ways to be booted unceremoniously from something he had built from the ground up. It touched on his worst fear of being shot down if he became too big and successful.
Yet as he sorted through the fallout and got a handle on his anger, fresh perspectives arose. He saw that his sense of loyalty and responsibility for the future of this company had kept him in denial of the fact that he had been at cross purposes with the board for a long time.
There’s no telling how long he might have slogged on with increasing frustration if the board hadn’t told him in no uncertain terms that they would be better off without him.
This crisis forced my client to slow down enough to explore what he really wanted to build, from a blank canvas rather than a sense of obligation. He launched a new company in the field of design, which is now thriving and bringing him an unexpected level of fulfillment.
Why is it so important to face your worst fears?
A simplified model of human development explains that wounds to our core essence are inevitable and may even be necessary to grow an initial personality that can function in the world. Then, it’s the job of a healthy ego to create props we can rest on to avoid the pain of these past core wounds, which form the basis of our worst fears.
As change agents, part of our task is to mindfully and compassionately unravel those props to heal and release the life force trapped beneath.
If we don’t do so, life circumstances will do it for us in more unpleasant ways!
Are you in touch with your worst fears? They are usually buried deep within the subconscious because our personalities do such a great job of protecting us from them.
If you aren’t familiar with your worst fears yet, here are some inquiry questions to help you discover what’s beneath the surface when you are feeling numb, distracted from your intentions, or reactive towards another:
- “Who am I taking myself to be right now?” (e.g. the victim that needs protection, the authority that needs to be listened to, etc.)
- “What is it that I don’t want to feel right now?” (e.g. ignored, abandoned, ridiculed, etc.)
- “What unacceptable outcome am I trying to prevent, and what do I fear that outcome would mean about me?”
Ultimately, no one can find their way home to their core self and life purpose without facing and making peace with all their worst fears.