We know from physicists, ecologists and mystics that our apparently separate existence as individuals is an illusion. We are not separate; everything we do impacts others on the planet in the continuous web of life.
Even the hard edges defined by our skin don’t actually exist. We are mostly empty space within. The apparent solidity of our body comes from molecular forces creating bonds across vast inner distances. We share physical substance with people, plants and objects around us. Yet various parts of our psyches valiantly keep fighting to defend our apparently separate existence, leading to so much polarization and conflict on every scale.
If you are on a journey to uncover your essential self, find your life purpose and your voice, and contribute to a better world, dissolving the obsolete defenses you carry is mission-critical. And reactivity to certain other people is one of the most challenging defenses to dissolve on the path.
Reactivity is very different from having a neutral assessment of someone’s actual capacity. Reactivity comes with a strong emotional charge to make the other bad and wrong, whereas a neutral assessment feels more like simply deciding someone isn’t suitable for close friendship or for a specific political office.
Yet trying to push reactivity away does not serve. Rather, if you use your reactivity as a tool for inquiry it can be a direct doorway to the essential self within that clearly sees when no defense is needed.
It’s important to remember that reactivity is nothing more than an ego mechanism to protect our physical bodies from threat. Keeping safe from physical harm is generally a good idea, but it’s a problem when our egos turn social stress into a survival threat. Even when there is no actual physical threat in present time, anyone who touches one of our core wounds will trigger an irresistible urge to push them away.
At the core of this mechanism is the fact that at the age when these core wounds occurred, they were overwhelming and dangerously destabilizing to the ego. Perhaps as an infant you were hungry and cried for food, and nobody came for hours. Or, you were beaten whenever you spoke up or expressed a will of your own. If these young wounds haven’t been resolved in present time, the feeling of intolerable danger will be automatically linked to anyone who triggers those wounds.
Therefore, one of my favorite ways to find what unhealed wound lies beneath a reaction to another person is to ask yourself “What is it I don’t want to feel right now?” If you are willing to be very honest with yourself and gently curious, this question will usually take you straight into the heart of a tender childhood wound. From this new level of understanding, you can choose the most appropriate modality of healing.
The first time you try this exercise, choose a reaction that is a relatively easy one. Pick a situation with another person that perhaps causes you to feel angry or mildly upset. I wouldn’t recommend diving straight into a traumatic memory without personal support from someone who is expert in that arena.
If you are drawn to clean up the clutter of obsolete reactions and access more of your purpose and your essential self, explore this avenue and let me know what you find out!
