One of the predicaments I often see in clients lately is the struggle to set clean and compassionate boundaries in the midst of abundant options. How do you stay on course with what matters most, and what is in the way of doing that right now?
In the old days, ancient history when I was young, there were simply less choices. We had only three TV stations. The only way to get a message was by being present for a phone call or a physical letter in the mail. Remember that? There was only one phone service, and the phone choices you had were the color and the standard versus “princess phone” model.
Nowadays we can’t ask the world to get simpler and quieter, so we have to master the art of setting boundaries to protect our most purposeful priorities–and at the same time do it in a way that honors our values.
You may be clear in your boundaries with others, but what about boundaries that need to be negotiated between various parts of yourself that have different agendas?
Why the Brain Interferes with Boundary Setting
Our brains evolved to follow three survival imperatives:
- To avoid harm
- To approach reward
- To form secure bonds with others
If your desire to set a boundary appears to threaten any one of these strategies, silent alarm bells go off in the brain, and subconscious mechanisms keep you from following through. And, unless you are in actual physical danger, the threat feels real to you because of subconscious beliefs. Sound familiar?
Setting Boundaries with Yourself
For example, you may have committed to getting 7 or 8 hours of sleep every night, but you continue to stay up late online and you’re tired of feeling tired.
Get curious what subconscious drives and beliefs are motivating you. Is part of you afraid that you must stay online as late as possible to not miss something and feel left out? Or, are you instinctively seeking the security of knowing others are thinking of you and the pleasure of connecting with others?
Once you bring these elements into awareness, redirect those survival drives to support your purposeful priorities. You’ve heard the advice to set aside specific times to be online, but what would really work for you?
I used to try to be very disciplined about email and Facebook, but I would end up fighting with myself and feeling unhappy. I learned that what works best for me is to give myself the online connection time first thing, and then I start to get bored with it and become even happier about starting my work day.
Setting Boundaries with Others
Another challenge for many people is setting limits with others, especially those that you love. Think about the last time you wanted to say “No” to someone but didn’t. Was it for fear of damaging a secure bond you’ve built with them? Do you hold the belief that they won’t be able to tolerate the disappointment of your “No” and that the relationship would be irreparably damaged?
Once we look underneath, we can find some silly things that don’t make sense in the light of day. Then it becomes easier to ask for what you need and bring heartfelt presence to a win-win solution.
Get curious – what is your relationship with boundary setting, and what subconscious drives and beliefs keep you there? Let me know what you find out!
