A great question to ask when we get reactive is “What is it that I don’t want to feel right now?” It sounds simple, but what it opens up rarely is.
Whenever we get triggered and react to something, it’s a clear sign that something sensitive got touched. A part of ourselves is working to protect a hidden vulnerable part of us from harm.
On the surface that protective reaction can feel good, that we’re taking care of ourselves.
But leaving that hidden part buried will let it continue to create more reactivity.
And that hidden part doesn’t have to stay buried. It can evolve, surface, and become available to you in ways that actually increase your sense of wholeness.
One of my familiar triggers used to happen when my husband went into great detail to explain something.
My reaction to that trigger was to say “I’m not stupid! I get it!”
But then when I remembered to ask that question, I realized that what I didn’t want to feel was stupid. Part of my identity was that I had a quick mind and could figure out complex problems.
And, the reason this mattered so much was that my father was a physicist and engineer, and when I was young, I got a lot of praise for my quick thinking.
I believed that if he ever saw me not having a quick mind, I would lose his love and protection, which was unacceptable at that early age.
This caused me to bury the part of me that was slower and dreamy because it felt too dangerous.
As I learned to welcome that buried part, I learned to recognize that sometimes it was important to slow down and just be. I allowed myself to not have an immediate answer to every question, but rather to take the time sometimes to reflect more deeply.
And, now I’m comfortable telling my husband “I’m sorry I didn’t get that. Could you say it again?”
The nourishment of reclaiming a buried part of yourself can be profound. Imagine feeling a fuller and more resourceful sense of self in how you move through the world.
The next time you feel reactive, give yourself the gift of asking what it is that you don’t want to feel. Let your curiosity help you reclaim what’s hiding underneath, and bring you into greater wholeness.
